From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
The 1989 Calendar
2 January: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce their complete innocence and
ask for more people to send more money more often so they can get on more
stations and get more people to send more money more often so that they can get
on more stations and ask more people to send more money more often.
5 January: Jimmy Swaggart announces need for more money if he is to stay
on stations he is on, and not get off any of these. He needs lots more money
to pay for the stations he is on, and he needs this immediately.
7 January: Richard and Oral Roberts announce a special fund drive to build
a new and super prayer tower, which will be fifteen times as tall as present
tower and will thus get closer to the Almighty. This new tower will insure
that the prayers which come from it get there faster than the prayers of
others, namely, in case you didn't guess, Jim or Jimmy.
ll January: Newspapers report Tammy Faye Bakker suffered a gigantic
mascara slide and that, fortunately, no one was injured. Switchboards on local
police stations were jammed for a time with questions about earthquake, but
cause has now been determined and Tammy will not wear quite so much mascara in
the future.
l6 January: Jerry Falwell declares Oliver North first North American Saint
for the Independent Baptist Church.
19 January: Wesley Fletcher, former evangelist who appeared on show with
Geraldo, and admitted sexual activities with Jim Bakker now admits, at press
conference, his lust for tomato aphids.
20 January: Vice President Dan Quayle, feeling that the televangelists are
getting far too much time on television, moons Democratic Party at inauguration
ceremony. President George Bush announces that he will be deprived of the use
of his tricycle for two weeks as punishment. When complaints continue to
arrive, the President also announces that the Vice President will not be
allowed warm milk for three weeks before he goes to bed.
22 January: A national poll picks the University of Oklahoma as the best
professional football team in the nation.
27 January: President Bush admits that he did not know the scope of
national debt and says that nation should not read his lips any longer.
2 February: Talent search started by Oral Roberts to find someone willing
to take him as hostage so he can use this as a fund raising tool. No one is
found willing and so he is going to rent a hostage taker from Yassir Arafat.
4 February: Jewish Defense League pickets Oral Roberts for doing business
with Arab terrorists. Oral says he will go to prayer tower anyway.
6 February: Former President and Mrs. Reagan attend a church. Roof falls
in shortly after service concluded.
8 February: Jim Bakker announces intention to buy not only Disneyland, but
lower section of California, which will be turned into a theme park for
Christians.
l5 February: President Bush, while acknowledging that the writers of IRS
forms are very likely a "highly diseased" group of people, exempts them from
AIDS tests, on the ground that they would not be able to find bottle, let alone
use it.
24 February: Vice President Dan Quayle is allowed at long last to
celebrate his 42ed Birthday. He is denied his request for spray paint cans,
since President Bush feels that repainting the White House is far too
expensive.
26 February: Former President Jerry Ford visits St. Louis Arch and bumps
head on it. Claims "Executive Privilege" when given bill for repair of
stainless steel cover of arch.
6 March: Vice President Dan Quayle ill from consumption of entire Burpee
Seed Catalog when left unattended for a time in office.
l6 March: Former President Jimmy Carter states that if given a chance, he
can make necessary repairs to St. Louis Arch with volunteer help at no cost to
the government. Shows up in St. Louis in blue jeans with carpenter's hat.
l9 March: Jim and Tammy Bakker announce that they are now on 62l
television stations and need more money to get on more stations so more people
can see them and send more money so they can get on more stations so more
people can see them and send more money so they can get on more stations.
2l March: Jerry Falwell announces yet another crusade to save Oliver North
from the law. Says he will need millions to contact all Americans and those
abroad, particularly in Iran, to sign petitions to send to President Bush.
26 March: Lyndon LaRouche announces he will run for President in next
election from prison cell in Federal Psychiatric Facility. Press announcement
includes the comment "If they elect Dan Quayle to high office, I certainly have
a very good chance."
l April: Jimmy Swaggart launches sixty-first "last desperate appeal for
funds," in gigantic mailing to everyone in Western Hemisphere. Admits that his
bills are not all paid. However, says he is doing well and expects a miracle
to help him cover costs of mailing. If recipients do not send money, says
mailing, "millions will go to hell, unsaved, lost, and rich."
7 April: Uproar created when Vice President Dan Quayle tries to bring
beebee gun into Vice President's office and the Secret Service will not allow
it. Quayle cries and throws tantrum. President George Bush mediates dispute
and settles it with offer of a clear plastic water gun from which plunger has
been removed.
l9 April: General Services Administration finds huge stacks of petitions
written in Arabic at front door of White House. Jerry Falwell says these are
in favor of the release of Ollie North without trial. Translator, hired to
read these, says they all say "Imperialist Yankee stay home!"
26 April: The Betty Ford Clinic for Rehabilitation of Drug Addicts
announces the purchase of a franchise from the National League. The Clinic
will field its own baseball team next season, featuring those who have spent
time at the place. "Already we have 417 potential members for our team," said
a public relations person for the Clinic.
6 May: Donna Rice quoted as having said that she does not miss Gary Hart,
but sure would like to find someone with a nice yacht to take her on a ride. If
Senator Jesse Helms has one "yes, I'd be interested," she said.
10 May: Entire student body at State School for the Deaf did read
President Bush's lips, when he was away from microphone, and he was telling the
Secret Service to put Vice President Quayle back in his office before he ate
all the flowers in the Executive Garden and got sick again. "If it isn't the
damn catalogue for flowers, then its the flowers themselves," Bush mumbled to
himself as the students watched in utter amazement.
19 May: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce that they are now on 918
television stations and that they need more money to get on more television
stations so more people can see them and send in more money so they can get on
more stations so that more people can see them and send in more money so that
they can get on more television stations.
29 May: Professional Baseball Players announce strike unless their wages
are drastically increased. "Thay ain't no reason why we don' git more fer
what we do with them owners a takin thars," said one of the members of the
group, chosen for his obvious superiority in diction and grammar. "We been a
thinkin fer quite awhile that the base salariee fer 'very body might be a
million!"
6 June: Oral Roberts admits that God makes everything, but when pressed
about whether or not God made New Jersey, Oral says it is a question he can't
really answer. On the same day, Senator Jesse Helms announces purchase of
yacht which will be used in tropical waters for occasional outings with
friends.
20 June: Federal Bureau of Investigation inaugurates extensive search for
the stuffed Panda stolen from Vice President Dan Quayle's office, which has now
been missing for several days. "Quayle hasn't slept for the past four nights,"
says a press release.
25 June: Col. Manual Noriega, speaking from Panama City, Panama, runs a series
of short commercials on various television networks for a "Headache Remedy."
It will, according to the Colonel, "bliss you out." Additional advantages,
acknowledged in the commercial include ridding you of bad thoughts "like
Reganism."
2 July: Former President and Mrs. Reagan announce intention of visiting a
local church in Santa Barbara for the following weekend. Church immediately
starts collection for emergency roof reinforcement program to be completed
before the announced date of arrival of couple to attend.
4 July: Elvis Presley, through a spokesperson, announces he has discovered
Tammy Faye Bakker on television, and would actually prefer to stay dead if
possible.
6 July: Oral Roberts, hearing about Elvis, says that he, Oral, is willing to
help Elvis "no matter which way he wants to go." Oral has claimed power to
bring people back from the dead, and says "I can put him down or bring him up,
whichever he prefers."
10 July: Cher wins the "Rusty Ruptured Duck" award for recycling industrial
waste into her new marketing effort for a fragrance. It is said to come from
the Akron, Ohio, industrial waste center, and smells suspiciously like tire
shavings.
l6 July: Oliver North announces that he will no longer accept speaking
engagements for $ 25,000 each as he had been doing. "Read My Lips," says
North, and then he announces that each person in his audience is expected to
purchase at least $ 20.00 worth of cassettes.
27 July: An AAU Swim Meet in Chicago, Illinois, is marred by charges of drug
abuse as one of the contestants enters Lake Michigan from a Chicago beach and
swims to Superior, Wisconsin, in four hours and twelve minutes. The swimmer, a
seven year old girl, 6'8", weighing 240 pounds with a deep husky voice, insists
she did not use steroids. During the press conference surrounding these
bizarre charges, the young girl pulls out an electric razor and shaves her
beard.
5 August: Alexander Haig, former Republican Candidate for President of the
United States, announces he will run for office again, perhaps as Vice
President. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says
Haig.
11 August: Nancy Reagan, speaking about Mrs. Gorbachev, introduces the subject
with some sparkling comments about "that ugly old witch," and follows up with
even more frank comments "she is a shameless huzzie." When questioned about
her remarks Nancy simply says this is a time of openness and honesty. "After
all," says Nancy, "she blows her nose with toilet paper, because she doesn't
know which end is up."
18 August: Manual Noriega, appearing with Pat Robertson on the "700 Club"
television show, announces he is not a Communist and plans to run for Vice
President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances
are excellent," he says.
26 August: Jimmy Swaggart announces a last final desperate appeal for funds to
pay off some overdue bills. This is his l89th such appeal this year, setting a
new record for fund raising claims of either/or.
30 August: Geraldo Rivera hosts a show on which appears Joan Rivers, who during
the course of the program punches him and breaks his nose. At a news
conference following this event, Rivera announces that he will run for Vice
President. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says
Rivera.
3 September: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce that they are now on every
television station in operation and ask that more stations be constructed.
Rumors fly that Tammy Faye is being treated for a rare disease called "Mascara
Poisoning."
11 September: Cher, noting that Sonny Bono is a Mayor in a California City,
announces her own intention to run for Vice President of the United States. "If
the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," she says.
l3 September: Geraldo Rivera, popular talk show host, announces that he is
going to tell the world all he knows, and needs someone to appear on his half
hour show to fill in the remaining twenty-eight minutes. Jim and Tammy Faye
immediately come forward and volunteer, which leaves just twenty-seven minutes
of the show to be filled. However, if the producer will allow Tammy to cry,
three segments of the show can be filled easily.
l5 September: "Bozo the Airhead," a local television celebrity appearing on a
number of shows for children in Blackhole, Montana, announces his candidacy for
the Office of Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan
Quayle, my chances are excellent," says the clown.
17 September: President George Bush, scheduled to make speech at breakfast
commemorating the attack on Pearl Harbor, cancels appearance, saying that the
press of preparing for the Easter Egg Hunt is too urgent. Later this same day,
President Bush does appear at Andrews Air Force Base to tour submarine.
20 September: In a very rare public appearance, Vice President Dan Quayle is a
guest on the television show "Romper Room." Taped show is expected to be aired
in 1995.
23 September: The United States Air Force, as a public relations gesture, will
show the new Stealth Bomber to the public. However, program delays are caused
by inability of Air Force to find the plane.
24 September: FBI announces that investigation started on June 20th has been
successful. The giant stuffed Panda which was removed from Vice President Dan
Quayle's office has been found! It was located in President Bush's wastebasket
and had a very large number of long hat pins stuck in it, said a spokesperson
for the FBI. President Bush denied any knowledge of the Panda.
27 September: Furloughed rapist Willie Horton, appearing on Oprah Winfrey
program, says he is going to run for the Office of Vice President of the United
States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says
Horton. Mike Tyson immediately endorses Horton. "The man has style and quality,
something the office ain't got now," says Tyson.
30 September: Noting that Dan Quayle is indeed the Vice President, President
George Bush makes his first official duty that of scheduling the serving of
Jello in the White House. "In this administration," says President Bush, "it
is my intention to utilize the full potential of the Vice President."
6 October: Pee Wee Herman, noting that Dan Quayle is Vice President, announces
that he is going to run for this office. "If the people elected Dan Quayle,"
says Herman, my chances just have to be excellent." During press conference,
Herman was noted to be clutching giant stuffed Panda.
10 October: Jerry Falwell appears to announce yet another defense fund for
Oliver North. This is his l7th such appeal this year. Rumors circulate that
Oliver North may run for Vice President.
18 October: Vice President Dan Quayle is denied his request to appear on rerun
of the Gong Show. Producer of show stands by decision, saying that "it would
be a shame to compromise the quality or integrity of our program in this
manner." Quayle, stung by this decision and denial of request, announces that
he will ask to appear on "Wheel of Fortune." Producer of this program, unable
to speak due to fit of hysterical laughter, says nothing.
22 October: Professional Wrestler "Jake the Snake" announces for the Office of
Vice Pres. of the United States. In an interview with the National Enquirer,
Jake says: "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent." He
appears at press conference holding a REAL Panda.
26 October: Jerry Falwell appears on Nightline with Ted Koppel and is asked
about his continued support of Oliver North. In one off the cuff remark, he
says: "You can bank on the fact that a lot of people support Oliver North and
so do I." During the program, he announces yet another fund raising drive to
defend Oliver North. Oliver North refused to appear on the program, due to the
fact that ABC-TV would not offer him $ 25,000 and buy some
cassett--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l9 November: Col. Manual Noriega takes out ads in various fundamentalist
magazines which announce that he is not a Communist, believes in school prayer,
and has some white powder to sell to anyone interested. There is an "800"
phone number.
25 November: President George Bush announces that there are just 30 days
remaining before the White House Easter Egg Hunt. He also appoints Vice
President Dan Quayle as Director of this event.
28 November: At a convention in Iowa held annually to gather the Knights of the
Open Road, "Boxcar Willie," over a cup of soup announces that he is a candidate
for the office of Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected
Dan Quayle," he says, "my chances are very good."
2 December: At a luncheon of the "Friends of Jimmy Hoffa," it is announced that
Jimmy Hoffa will run for the Vice Presidency of the United States. When some
object, saying this is impossible, the chairman of the event says that nothing
is impossible. "If the people of the United States can elect Dan Quayle as
Vice President, the field is wide open for someone with integrity and honesty,
and so we are going to run Jimmy Hoffa."
7 December: President George Bush says he has not seen any groundhogs today, so
we are in for a mild summer. No one quite understands the meaning of this
announcement.
10 December: Vice President Dan Quayle announces that he is making a foreign
journey, to preside at the Grand Opening of a Kentucky Fried Chicken store in
Guam. He is told that this is not a foreign trip, since Guam is part of the
United States. "It's Dukakis at work again," he mumbles, leaving the stage with
no additional remarks.
2l December: Vice President Dan Quayle presides at launching of the new garbage
barge for Washington, D.C., the U.S.S. Balderdash.
26 December: Olympic Sprinter Ben Johnson runs from Vancover, B.C, to Toronto,
Canada in l2 hours! His average speed was in excess of 65 mph. Denies the use
of any form of drugs or steroids, but admits that he grew four inches during
run.
27 December: Many commentators have noted that Jimmy Swaggart did NOT send a
Christmas card to Jim and Tammy Bakker, nor to Marvin Gorman!
Rather Happily, the Year Has Come To An END!
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.